FUNERALS

Members of Milo Warnock's family at his interment, May 25

When I was a child, my mother didn’t take me to funerals. She believed that a child should not be exposed to death and grief. Several grandmothers passed, but Mother sent me to school as usual rather than take me to the funeral. I hated to miss school so was fine with her decision.

But my sister Harriet had a different outlook. She took her young children to funerals. When Mother questioned her about this, Harriet said that children should go to funerals so that they learn what they are and how to comport themselves. This made sense to Mother, but I was already in high school and still hadn’t attended a funeral. Fortunately, when I did, it wasn’t a problem for me. I comported myself in a solemn manner like everyone else.

Back in the day of my youth, cremation hardly ever took place – at least, not in my world. When someone passed, it was imperative that the funeral take place within a few days. Working with the funeral home, survivors had to act fast, and if the death was sudden, it was a challenge. The casket was most usually present at the service, and you could opt to have it open or closed. Hopefully, you had six or eight able-bodied friends or family members to serve as pallbearers and carry the casket, and it was considered an honor to serve in this way. Contacting the pallbearers was yet another layer of responsibility that fell to the family.

Back in the day, funerals were all alike. Only the names and faces changed, as we say. The service was most usually held at the funeral home or possibly at a church. For their privacy, the family was sequestered in an alcove so that they could grieve privately. Someone sang a hymn or two and a minister sermonized. I had heard of eulogies, but I thought they were for the rich and famous. The congregants usually weren’t invited to share memories or words of comfort.

These “cookie-cutter” affairs are a thing of the past. It seems to me the first hint of change was that people began to object to the skyrocketing costs of funeral home services. As we know, today families and friends take care of the remains appropriately and then schedule a “celebration of life” when it’s convenient, giving them time to plan a program in keeping with the deceased’s personality and/or the needs of the hour. Attendees might be invited to share memories. The family is front and center, and everyone can laugh as well as cry.

And sometimes, families just opt not to have any service at all, and that’s fine, too. Mother disapproved, though. She felt that the deceased’s loved ones must gather to comfort one another. “Who’s to say who comforts whom in a family,” she said. She believed we must get through that first gathering without the one who has passed on.

Our family gathered over Memorial Day weekend to place son Milo’s ashes at the Gilbert Cemetery south of Orofino. We held a celebration of life for him in Boise on January 13. We remember a goodhearted person who was treated unfairly in the system and paid the ultimate price. KW