GETTING IN SHAPE – OR LACK THEREOF

Have you seen the movie, Ruthless People? The husband (Danny DeVito) has his wife (Bette Midler) kidnapped. While a pudgy Bette is in captivity, she begins to pass the time by exercising with televised fitness programs. The impression is that she's exercising for hours on end. At first she's fighting boredom, but as her body noticeably improves, she warms to the task before her. At the end of a supposedly short time, she's lookin' pretty good. It would be so nice if that would really work.

I was looking at mother-of-the-bride dresses online. The lack of style for women in my age group just drives me nuts. Here are these dresses designed for the mature woman – I mean, if you're the mother of the bride you have to be mature, right? – and you've given birth to at least one child, right? – and here are these dresses modeled by young women who have probably not given birth, let alone gained the maturity that tugs us downward. But that's all beside the point. The point is that the dresses are basically all the same – skirts falling from the bodice or maybe short jackets over shapeless gowns. You get the picture – designs to camouflage.

I love to watch that old show, The Golden Girls, if only to see what they wear. They were always beautifully dressed – all three of them. But most of us never see such classy clothes. I've worn Alfred Dunner separates for years – loose-fitting slacks and boxy sweaters and tops that hide a million pounds and figure problems. I don't even try them on any more – I know my size and step right into them. Now that I'm retired, even my Alfred Dunner separates go unworn. This time of year, my usual uniform is warm-ups over long-sleeved knit turtlenecks. I often wonder how I would be made over if I were a candidate on "What Not to Wear." I'm sure I would go right back to baggy pants and sweatshirts.

"The mother of the bride wore satin warm-ups in shocking pink, trimmed with imported French lace."